


Heaven Help a Fool Who Falls in Love

by TheWalkingDebt



Category: CallMeKevin - Fandom, IRL - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF, call me kevin - Fandom, youtube - Fandom
Genre: ALL THE GOOD STUFF, Childhood Friends, Cute, F/M, Feck, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, I apologize to Kevin for writing this but he has to apologize for being so damn cute, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Kissing, Love Confessions, Male-Female Friendship, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pining, Rough Kissing, Swearing, Twitch - Freeform, YouTube, and lots of feckery, everyone ships it, kind of enemies to friends to lovers?, little bit of sexy times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26015245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWalkingDebt/pseuds/TheWalkingDebt
Summary: I'm already ashamed of myself, okay, no need to remind me these are real people with real girlfriends and such, lol. This is all for fun, not meant to be taken seriously, and honestly, I'm just proud of myself for writing (and finishing) something that's nearly 50 pages long on Google Docs haha.*Plot: You're friends with the Lads, especially with Kevin. But it'd be cooler if you were more than just friends. With Kevin. Not the rest of the Lads. That'd be weird.*Original Title: Irish Lad and Lass, but then I was listening to music and The Lumineers gifted with me a gorgeously fitting new title whilst actually posting this story.
Relationships: Kevin O'Reilly & You, Kevin O'Reilly/Original Character(s), Kevin O'Reilly/You
Comments: 11
Kudos: 54





	1. Author's Note

This fanfiction is unprotected under the copyright laws of the United States and other countries throughout the world as I’m pretty sure I need a copyright on real people in order to get it for this one? I’m not sure how it works necessarily, but I know this isn’t copyrighted. ...I’m pretty sure it isn’t.

Country of first publication: United States of America, in case you can’t tell by my probably horrible usage of British/Irish slang, and I apologize for any mix-ups. I’ve just watched too many shows with English people in them and sometimes the accents/slang phrases trade places in my head. I’m like fifty percent Irish heritage, if that counts/helps???

Any unauthorized exhibition, distribution, or copying of this film or any part thereof (including soundtrack) may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution, but it’s incredibly doubtful that it will result in that. I am lazy above all, and also, this isn’t protected in any sort of legal fashion. But I may write you an angry letter/email if possible.

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are semi-fictitious, as they are based on real people, but honestly I don’t know them personally. So I’m probably getting details of their lives and personality traits utterly wrong. Who can know? I sure don’t. Maybe correct me if you do? Cuz I live for any tiny tidbits about Kevin’s life, as creepy as that sounds.

Some identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred, and hopefully they come across as the people intended. I did do my best.

However, no person or entity associated with this fic received payment or anything of value, or entered into any agreement. This includes myself, as all I’ve earned from this is a little more shame and sadness that I will never know what Kevin’s hair feels like, lol. That’s literally all I want. Sorry not sorry.

No animals were harmed in the making of this fic, except maybe my cat’s feelings since he kept jumping up onto my keyboard while I was writing, and I kept putting him back down on the floor.

Also, I should probably apologize to the Lads for this depiction of them? Idk. I feel a little bad but not really. Kevin should be more ashamed of himself for looking as good as he does, tbh, and constantly throwing himself under the bus (car) to pretend otherwise. Cuz it just encourages me to write more stupid shit about how goddamn hot he is.

It’s fine. He’ll never know who wrote this horrible romcom-y fiction anyways, so if he finds it, I’ll only be a little mortified. Maybe.


	2. CHAPTER ONE: WE’RE SPEAKING ENGLISH, BUT IT COMES OUT WRONG

**YOUR POV**

“I’m so sick of fucking  _ Kevin _ !” you yelled, even as you couldn’t stop laughing at how ridiculously horrible he was being. 

You should have known he wouldn't take a spelling game, in which you could also hit people, seriously. He didn’t even take regular games seriously, much less ones that involved a weakness of his.

Clearly you had said the wrong thing, though, because the boys all immediately began laughing uproariously. It took you a moment for your words to properly sink in, and you groaned, sliding your face into your hands for a moment as you contemplated ending your life on screen.  _ It’d get a lot of views, probably, _ you mused morbidly before shaking the idiocy away. 

"That's a bit inappropriate to mention on stream, isn’t it?" Dan chided you, stifling down giggles.

“I woulda thought that’d’ve been an immediate regret,” Seán chortled, utterly smug with himself.

“Hey, wait, we had a bet going, when did you two start fucking?” Brian asked, almost sounding angry with how demanding his voice got, except that he was also laughing.

“No, hang on,” you started, realizing what you had just said accidentally and blushing furiously. You couldn't be happier right now that your face cam wasn’t on. You guys were streaming, however, so your words were definitely heard by the audience. How many thousands of people heard you say something you really shouldn’t have? "I didn't mean… ugh. You guys are sick. You know what I meant!"

Kevin was being uncharacteristically quiet and, for a moment, that worried you.

Until his character came up and clobbered you in the back of the head.

“Fucking jump off a cliff, Kevin!”

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

Unlike me, you started talking a lot when you were pulling whatever scheme you had hatched in your head. Kind of like a distraction from what you were doing, and it usually worked. I barely even noticed the explosions and screaming start until Daithi spawned back at base. I had been too busy listening to your easy chatter about how your day had gone and your ‘absent-minded forgetfulness’ as it came to muting the Discord when you responded to your chat. That was the first clue that I should have noticed, but I was too busy smiling to yourself at your gushing and blushing over every sub and donation. 

Your own brand of trolling with the lads was something special to witness, however.

"Guys, I think I accidentally friendly-fired at Daithi," your apologetic tone came over the Discord channel even as Nogla screamed.

"You were spamming grenades at me!" The angriest of Irishmen roared back.

"I'm sorry! I'm still getting used to the controls!" you pled, somehow completely straight-faced with this utter lie, and I was absolutely cackling.

"You've been playing this game for ten fucking years?! How are you not used to the controls?"

"Hey, I'm a lady, you can't yell at me like this…" you pouted. “This is why I have fun killing you over the others, Daithi.”

I snickered to myself at your blatant deflection without a hint of laughter in your own voice.

"Oh? See how you like it when she plays dumb and kills you too, Kevin," Daithi growled menacingly.

"She wouldn't, she likes me," I responded thoughtlessly, wincing only after I realized what I had said. Dumb, dumb move. My chat exploded with its usual amount of chatter whenever the subject of me and you came up, half of them shipping it and the other half saying it was already a thing. I wish I could say it was, but it wasn’t. Not that telling the chat that convinced them of anything.

The lads all 'oohed' like children, sniggering at my clumsy use of words.

"Oh she  _ likes  _ you, does she?" Brian mocked. "Good to see you finally figured that out." I snorted at the very idea, knowing you and I were friends, but you probably didn’t see it as anything other than that. And that was  _ fine _ . It was  _ healthy _ . It was… natural. 

...And if you were all those things, what did it make me, that I wanted differently?

"I like everyone here," you called out sweetly, taking the heat off me, thank Christ. "I just  _ prefer _ some people, is all."

I grinned to myself at that, assuming you meant me. Perhaps assuming too much, but we were friends before we started gaming together. Sort of.

"Yeah, everyone but Nogla," Seán snorted.

"I didn't say it," you laughed cheerily, clearly not disagreeing either. "But there are certainly others here that just play better with me."

I couldn't help but hope you meant me specifically, but no way in hell was I gonna ask that aloud. I glanced at my phone out the corner of my eye and thought of sending a text. Easy to say it was a joke. Add a winky face and make you laugh.

"Like Dan?" Brian suggested innocently enough, and my hand drew back from the phone like a flinch. I kept my eyes on the screen blankly.

"Yeah, sure, like Dan," you agreed with a wry chuckle. I tapped my knuckles against my desk and ignored the whole conversation. It was okay. I knew she meant me. We always paired up naturally. Nearly always. Often enough.


	3. CHAPTER TWO: CHILDHOOD ENCOUNTER, BUT WHO REMEMBERS WHAT

**YOUR POV**

The first time you met Kevin in person was when you were nine years old and you were staying with family in Cork. You barely remembered this until years later, months after you met Kevin again and it came up that you once had a grandmother living in Midleton. Right next door to Kevin and his family. Even now, with the memory faded and old, you vaguely recalled a shy boy with scruffy hair and beat up knees tossing your ball back over the fence between your Nanna's yard. He missed the first time, maybe the second as well, all you really recalled was laughing at his red face before the ball finally came over the top.

Nanny introduced you two later that evening, properly, and you remembered awkwardly inviting him to play with you on your new/old Gameboy. You ended up living in Cork for the school year, but much of that time was a blur to you now. It was the year your grandma died, and your memories were far more detailed when it came to her declining health and funeral than the boy next door.

That was about it. Kevin barely remembered it as well, claiming you were a demon of his past that mocked him for lack of physical prowess and then for wanting to pick Bulbasaur as a starter type in Pokemon Red.

You tried to live up to that expectation still, terrorizing him with glee whenever he thought he could pull one over you.

So it was completely natural that people thought you two being playfully aggressive was flirting. And it was perfectly normal to flush, stop what you were doing, and insist otherwise because… what else could you do? It wasn't like he was going along with the assumption.

You tried to correct for this by acting the same way with the rest of the lads, but, well, anyone could see how well that went with Dan. And Brian, Daithi, and Seán just didn't click like that with you. Seán and Brian felt like your twin brothers or something - similarly chaotic and loud, occasionally screwing up quite a lot. Daithi was the scary big brother that tried to get everyone else to do what he wanted whilst also acting out like the baby of the family when he didn't get his way. Only to apologize later. He just got heated when it came to games, which was fine with the rest of you. In fact it was downright hilarious. You enjoyed winding them up, but you more often than not focused your teasing on Kevin.

You couldn't help it. You loved teasing him too much.

And everyone but Kevin seemed to be aware of it.

You hoped he was just being oblivious, at least.

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

We first figured it out separately, and I’d probably never tell you how I realized it first. It’d be too weird. I’d sound so creepy, even though I really wasn’t trying to be. You just took all my instincts and flipped them on their head, making it impossible for me to be sane and rational when you scared and excited me all at once. 

I remembered finding your videos, starting off with Sims 3 in 2015, and thinking something about you was familiar. It nagged me for ages until you revealed your last name accidentally a year or so later and the memories came back like a tidal wave. You were my first crush, and did it say something about me that my first instinct was to try and run into you in person rather than do as any normal man might and friend you on Facebook or something?

I swear, I didn't do it to be creepy or anything. I just… I had no clue what to do with this sudden information. And I was sure that I didn't want first contact to be through text or some forgettable thing that you'd put aside easily. I wanted to be memorable, as selfish as that probably was.

You figured it out the first night we got drunk together at Twitchcon. Well technically after. You had been amazed to find another Irish YouTuber at an American event and asked, no,  _ demanded  _ we go find a proper pub to drink at. I had been struck almost dumb by the fact I still had feelings for you. Not as strong as they were when we were kids, or as they were now, but a lingering fondness had remained.

"Omigod," your eyes went huge as I carefully revealed my past, trying not to leave any hint of the fact I already knew you and part of your own history. "You're from Cork? I lived there for a bit as a kid!"

I bit back the 'I know' that threatened to slip out. I might be socially awkward at times but I wasn't stupid enough to think that sounded like a normal non-stalker-y response. "Really?" I took a long drink to avoid giving away the crack in my voice.

You nodded a little too much, "Yeah! Midleton. My grandma was sick and…" your voice faltered, your head tipped to the side, and my heart leapt into my throat at your suddenly perceptive gaze. "Kevin O'Reilly?"

"Yeah?" I could hardly breathe. Would this be when you screamed 'stalker' at me and ran out the pub?

"Omigod, we were neighbors!" You shoved my shoulder with a big grin on your face, and I hardly felt the twinge of my upper back complaining for the heat flooding through me at your sudden and bright happiness. I couldn't help but smile back, my heart doing laps through my body as your hand remained on my shoulder. I couldn't help but pinpoint your touch, your words, your smile as the source of my simultaneous discomfort and pleasure.

Okay so that crush maybe was a little quicker to return and grow than I thought.

Because that was the moment I knew I always wanted to be the one making you smile.


	4. CHAPTER TREE: FAVORITISM, BUT IT’S OBVIOUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yes I know how to spell three, lol

**YOUR POV**

“Okay, okay, I swear, I’m not the traitor this round,” you giggled despite your predicament, ducking behind a cement structure. This arena was just a nondescript building, and you were stuck in the corner of its parking garage with Daithi blocking the only exit.

“I don’t fucking believe you!” Daithi roared, being the principal aggressor, as usual. No one else suspected you but him. “You killed Dan and Brian!”

...Possibly because most of the lads were dead and unable to point the finger at any suspect. Not that it usually stopped them, necessarily, but if it meant pissing off Daithi, they usually went in that direction.

“They just died! They probably killed each other, I swear!”

“Guys, guys, I’m the detective, trust me,” Kevin spoke up quickly. “She’s not the traitor.”

“See? Listen to Kevin!” you pled, biting back your smile. He was so sweet, and so very predictable.

“Never!” Daithi just kept shooting madly. “I have a hunch!”

“Kevin, help me!” you cried out, stifling laughter, but unable to get a good shot back at Daithi. “You’re my only hope!”

The shooting at you stopped after a moment, and the game made you aware that Daithi was now dead.

“Fucking hell, Kevin! You fall for her every time!” Daithi bellowed in irritation just seconds before you stepped out and shot Kevin's avatar in the head with a grin.

“Sorry, sweetie,” you chuckled as the TRAITORS WIN caption came up.

“Oh, you lied to me,” Kevin whined, sounding absolutely despondent, and your heart fluttered inside you a little sadly. “How can we have a relationship if it’s built on a foundation of lies?”

“It’s not that sort of relationship, Kevi,” you replied back, a tight smile on your face. Your chat was watching this time, after all, but you thought you pulled off the pretense fairly well. They only teased you about your obvious preference for Kevin every _other_ five minutes.

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

"If I give you 1500 dollars, will you give me a property?" I negotiated with Kiwo, somewhat drastically. But beggars couldn't be choosers, and I was the richest of the beggars. While I had the cash, I had hardly any land.

"Hm…" Kiwo thought about it mock seriously before you interrupted.

"Oh my god, Kevin, just take one of mine. I'd sell it at half that price."

"Hey hey, you can't just butt into our deal!" Kiwo pouted audibly.

"Yeah, and I could use seven hundred fifty bucks, so…" yeah, you were nearly dirt poor even with a handful of properties under your belt. "I wanna start working on my hotels."

This was an easy choice. "Deal," I told you quickly, pulling up the trade menu even as everyone else groaned and complained.

"Does this mean I can buy one of those greens off you for cheap?" Dan asked snidely, already seeming to know the answer as I finished up the money counting.

"Feck no," you replied cheerfully. "Kevin's special." I smiled at that, just barely resisting the urge to crow about it. Any small compliment or favor from you was something to preen about, in my opinion, and sometimes I’d do anything for that boost of confidence and satisfaction that your favoritism gave.

"Oh he's special alright," Nogla mumbled under his breath. I laughed easily at that, having made the joke myself plenty of times.

"I'm not gonna complain if it gets me what I want," I grinned smugly.

"I'm sure properties aren't all you want from her," Brian teased. I rolled my eyes, immediately uncomfortable. Mostly for you. I didn't want you to think that, no matter how true it was. I wasn't about to let you know how I felt in a live Monopoly stream. For whatever reason, that didn’t exactly scream romantic or even respectful. I wasn’t that dumb.

"No, pretty sure that's it," I returned decisively, lying through my teeth.

Or maybe I was that dumb, because I genuinely thought I could lie to my chat and myself for this long and longer.


	5. CHAPTER FOUR: DRUNK, BUT IT’S FINE. EVERYTHING’S FINE.

**YOUR POV**

Your phone went off at two in the morning. Blinking, you glanced over at the offending device, swearing to yourself as you blindly fumbled it to your ear. You refused to wake up entirely unless this was seriously important, and actually looking at the blindingly light screen would certainly have you up immediately. 

“Hmmm?” you mumbled into your pillowcase, too tired to verbalize real words.

“ _Well, I took a stroll on the old long walk/Of a day-i-ay-i-ay/I met a little girl and we stopped to talk/Of a fine soft day-i-ay-i-ay_ ,” a familiar, if utterly blutered, voice came practically swimming in whiskey over the phone. You laughed aloud, blushing a little at his choice of song as it vaguely applied to you. “Hey, I’m tryin’ here, I know I sound feckin’ stupid…”

“Shut up, you always sound amazing,” you yawned, flipping over onto your back and tucking an arm beneath your head, eyes still shut. “Keep singing. It’ll put me back to sleep, ya bastard of an alarm clock.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Kevin apologized, but it sounded like he was smiling. You could just tell at this point, having had this long distance friendship for nearly four years now. “Why are you sleeping?”

“It’s two AM, Kevin,” you sighed, rubbing the material of your pillowcase between your fingers. “Why are you awake? And drinking?”

“Friends dragged me out,” he replied casually. “Wanted me to meet someone. Didn’t work. Don't think she liked my sense of humor.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” you gripped the cotton cover tighter, frowning and holding back the vicious pain in your chest. “She sounds like a bitch.” How could someone _not_ like Kevin? It seemed impossible to you. No matter how much of an ass he could be. It just made it all the more infuriating when you did inevitably fall for him and his stupid adorable face and personality.

“Nah, it was me,” Kevin didn’t sound too worried about it, so you relaxed a little, even though you knew it would happen eventually. He was too good a guy, and a little too lonely, to stay single for long. “Think I pissed her off.”

“Oh, then it sounds like you were being yourself,” you teased back, wishing you were there with him instead of here in bed. Or maybe that he was here. Either one would be just… grand.

“I don’t piss you off,” Kevin seemed proud of himself there, even if he was utterly wrong.

“No, no you piss me off constantly,” you laughed. “I’m just a tad masochistic, I guess... and I enjoy being pissed off by you.” Maybe you were saying too much, but he was drunk and you were exhausted, and holding back words seemed not only pointless but impossible right now.

“Good,” Kevin responded cheerily. “Cuz I like being the reason you’re pissed off.”

“You like that with everyone,” you sighed, sinking deeper into your pillows. "You gonna start singing again or not, Blue Eyes?"

He was quiet a moment, but he started up again softly, " _Well, I took a stroll on the old long walk/Of a day-i-ay-i-ay/I met a little girl and we stopped to talk/Of a fine soft day-i-ay-i-ay/And I ask you, friend, what's a fella to do/'Cause her hair was black and her eyes were blue/And I knew right then I'd be takin' a whirl/'Round the Salthill Prom with a Galway girl_ …"

You drifted off with Kevin's beautiful singing voice serenading you to sleep.

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

_They meant well_ , I told myself repeatedly as I buttoned up one of my nicer shirts and tucked it into my trousers. My friends meant well... by setting me up on dates without my express desire for one. 

Not with a random stranger at least. 

Still, it felt like just another reminder that everyone else was aware of, and pitying me for, my feelings whilst you remained painfully oblivious. Whether that was purposeful on your part or not, it didn't entirely matter (it did because if you were ignoring it, versus ignorant of it, then I'd never have a chance). You weren’t going to be dating me anytime soon, and some people figured that you’d never date me. Which, fair, but still. Ouch.

I wondered if I told you I was going on a date, would you be jealous? Would you want to be where my blind date would be sitting, would you think about how this other woman might make me laugh or want to kiss her? I know if the situation were reversed, I would. I'd burn a forest down to get your attention.

Come to think of it, I _have_ burned a forest down to get your attention. 

It was a virtual me, a virtual forest, and a virtual fire, but still. It had worked at the time. And you had laughed; you had joined in the wanton destruction gleefully, no matter everyone else's dismay. I always enjoyed hearing you laugh, being the one to make you laugh. It was one of the best parts of my life, whenever we streamed together or, more rarely, played together casually. Hearing and seeing your smile on my second monitor, because yeah, I was weird and had your stream up and muted so I could glance up and see you every so often.

Yet here I was, going out to meet some other woman. Like I could just replace you in an instant. Like I hadn't tried that already. Like I hadn't had years to do it in.

Sighing, I gave myself a once over in the mirror, yup, I looked fecking depressed. _Good face for a date_ , I thought moodily before heading out of my room.

"You ready?" Liam looked up from his phone.

"Sure," I grabbed my coat. "Where we going?"

It was a new pub, not too loud and not too dingy, with good burgers. Or at least, Liam said so. I hadn't been yet. A little preoccupied with work and… well, mostly work. It was all I wanted to do, outside of drive up to your doorstep and ask you out properly. Even though I know I'd just chicken out again, lamely make some bad excuse about being in the area, and watch as you accepted this lie without question. Whether because you didn't want to question it or because you sincerely believed me, either way, it hadn't felt great at that time. Either I was taking advantage of your blind trust, or you were afraid of my real reason and wanted to avoid it altogether. 

As much as I was sort of hoping this would be the moment I realized I had been rom-com trope'd and you would be the blind date waiting for me, I knew that wasn't realistic. For one, I wasn't even sure Liam knew anything more about you than your face and name and anything I spouted off whilst drunk. No address or phone number, maybe not even your last name. Two, I was pretty dead sure things like that didn't happen in real life. Besides, would you really have agreed to surprise me as a blind date?

So I wasn't too surprised, just sad, that my date did not have your hair color. Nor did she have your eyes that shone so beautifully. Her smile was not nearly as pretty as yours, and her chatter was trivial to me. I made the mistake of digging into my darker humor almost accidentally and threw her off entirely. Unfortunately for my friends and anyone else who dared interact with me, my kink was irritating the shit out of people. And once I found an obvious chink in the armor, I couldn't help but explore it. It was a problem of mine, yes, and the first step to solving a problem was admitting you had one, right? I just had absolutely no plans on fixing that aspect of my character.

I had been yelled at before, but never had anyone actually tossed their drink at me before storming out. I sat there, slightly puzzled and damp, but ultimately (secretly) delighted at that fiasco. Even as a small part of me cringed at how the rest of the pub was looking at us, it felt like a justified punishment for… for what? Going out? Without you? Like you'd want to go out with me anyways.

I'd probably drive you just as mad.

Liam and his girlfriend came over to console me/demand what the hell happened. When I told them, blank-faced, Liam barked a laugh at me, disbelieving my behavior. Somehow.

"Only you, mate," he sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"I work with her, Kevin!" His girlfriend complained with a small sigh however, as if she almost expected this outcome. She fecking should have, if she knew me at all. "You couldn't play nice for one night?"

"Have you _met_ me?" I asked her amusedly. "Also, this is your fault, not mine. I never said I wanted to be set up."

"No, you just whinge about your imaginary internet girlfriend all the time," Liam rolled his eyes, making my skin prickle uncomfortably. True Liam had never met you, but still. You weren’t imaginary. "Look, I was trying to be nice. If your little crush isn't interested, you've got to move on, right?"

Why? Why did I have to move on? I was perfectly happy where I was. Well, I was somewhat okay with it from time to time. It was miserable in between, watching you live your life carefree without me, worrying one day you'd leave me behind easily and without a second thought. But I was happy when you were so it was fine. As long as you were happy, that's what mattered. And I'd die alone and sad but that was fine.

Fine…

I ended up maybe drinking a little more than I ought to have.

When I woke up the next morning, it was to a text message alert from you. Heart in my throat and jackhammers in my skull, all I could think was _shit what did I do last night_. I opened it up tentatively, terrified to see whatever it was you had to say. Had I confessed whilst stupidly wasted? Were you now texting to let me down gently, or to laugh at my stupidity?

_I had a really good sleep last night, y'know, after you woke me up. Thanks for the song, Kev <3 _ \- You, 9:37 AM

Your signature little heart, given out so easily and so undeservedly, seemed to have sent mine beating again. I rested my phone against my chest and pulled through the cobwebbed memories of the night before. I remembered my date, _Jesus, what was her name even_ , storming out. Liam giving out to me albeit lightly for chasing her off on purpose. The immediate tailspin when I thought about how I'd probably never get the chance to ask you out since I was too much of a coward and an ass to do it. 

Drinking. Lots of drinking.

I checked my phone and pulled up the call log. Yup. I did call you, around 2:30 in the morning. I groaned. Nothing good ever came of calling someone at two thirty in the morning. But you hadn't seemed too upset in your text. Maybe all I did was sing you a song, after waking you up. Should I call and ask? Or would that seem like I was worried about it, too worried? Like I was hiding something I didn't want you to hear? Since I was, both worried and hiding something.

I didn't think you could handle the idea of me loving you. Quite frankly, I didn't think anyone could. No one would take me that seriously, and honestly, there was a small part of me that insisted I wasn’t worth the effort.

I wouldn't call and ask. I'd assume nothing happened because you didn't seem to have heard much more than me singing whatever it was I sang. Hopefully it wasn't anything damning. I do remember the bar playing a lot of classical Irish folk, and those could hardly be all that bad of songs to sing to someone living almost two hundred kilometers away. As long as it wasn't _Hey There Delilah_ or something, I should be good. Right?

As the day went on, my full memory filtered back in, and it made me smile to think that, yes, I pissed you off, but you liked it. You were so weird. I loved that about you.

  
And there were worse songs I could have sung, more damning songs, than _Galway Girl_.


	6. CHAPTER FIVE: JEALOUSY, BUT IT’S NOT WARRANTED

**YOUR POV**

"At least you'll be better than Kevin during this," Dan sighed in exaggerated relief.

"Yeah, I actually want to survive through winter," you chuckled, collecting grass and wood alongside him. "To be fair, I'm sure you get many more views with him playing."

"Yeah well sometimes you just wanna not be babysitting a grown man," Dan laughed back. "Besides, we have our own fun, right?"

"Of course, Father Dear," you agreed, jokingly applying the moniker often used in reference to the two of you. Due to being the two slightly more reasonable streamers during games, and the way you worked together, your chats often called you Mom and Dad of the group when you were together.

"Mother Dear," Dan sniggered back, and then after a pause, said, "Careful. You'll make Kevin jealous."

"Huh?" You actually stopped what you were doing in-game, stunned by that. Your fingers froze over the keyboard.

"I'm just reading my chat," Dan explained, but you could almost hear his smirk. "Someone said we're making Kevin jealous with our close relationship."

"Oh, yeah," you snorted, feeling a little bitter because you were pretty positive Kevin didn’t care one way or another. He never made any mention of you and Dan when you paired off, nor when you partnered up with any of the other guys. He didn’t even joke about it like the lads did. "I'm sure he's just  _ writhing  _ with envy. No, Kevin's fine, guys, don't worry." You glanced at your chat and saw a bunch of people in a shipping war between you and Dan and you and Kevin.

Ah. That was pretty typical. 

"And I'm not with Dan; he has a perfectly lovely girlfriend already. I could never compete," you laughed it off but felt tense as hell.

It used to be more irritating to you that, just because you were a girl playing with a group of guys, it meant you had to like one of them. But then you noticed there was an awful lot of Dan/Kevin fanfiction as well. So it wasn't just because you were female, at least. It was just because, you supposed, they saw chemistry between you and the lads. But mostly Dan and/or Kevin.

Because, yeah, there were also people that shipped all three of you. Which was hysterical, in your opinion. You almost enjoyed seeing those comments, just because the very idea of sharing the two of them amused you so much. You were pretty sure some stalker-fan would kill you for taking two of the lads for yourself.

"Besides, Kevin would get jealous," Dan reminded you with a laugh, clearly enjoying your squirm.

"Oh fuck all the way off, Dan," you rolled your eyes, chuckling. "Let's get back to the game, yeah? Don't make me burn shit to get attention."

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

_ "Careful, you'll make Kevin jealous." _

Well. A bit late for that, Dan.

He had announced your upcoming collab on his Twitter a few nights ago, and at the time I hadn't thought overly much of it. Not much more than a slightly bitter  _ lucky bastard _ , though it made me hopeful that this might actually help me in the long run. I was afraid of being the one to suggest a collab with just you, even though you had been happy to contact me for a one on one game before. I was afraid of seeming like I was trying to get you alone, of playing my hand a little too openly. With Dan doing it first, it wouldn't seem as weird if I made the first move now, right? 

Dan hadn't been afraid to do it at all, though, but then I was pretty sure he didn't have feelings for you. Not like I did at least. He was usually more often teasing me, like the other lads did, about my obvious preference for you.

I wasn't able to do the same at all. I didn't even want to  _ think  _ about you liking another guy. Teasing you for it was far beyond my ability.

Like it was now. With me watching you and Dan run about the landscape of  _ Don't Starve _ , collecting resources and actually accomplishing shit. Calling each other Mother Dear and Father Dear like you were some sort of couple, teasing, flirting… my heart beat painfully inside my chest, as if the whole thing were hollow aside from an oversized organ and my ribs, which now felt more like spikes jamming into my skin and lungs than a protective feature for my heart.

Why was I doing this to myself? Torturing my head with thoughts of how you and Dan went so perfectly in sync together. How everyone saw it, adored it, egged it on. How you didn't say a single word of denial against it when all I ever heard was 'he's just a friend, guys' and 'leave off! We're not dating!'.

You were very insistent on that stuff with me. Much less so with Dan, and I didn't want to ask why, didn't want to hear the answer really. But a part of me, that deep down self-loathing part of me, demanded to know. To know for sure and certain so maybe, just maybe, I could begin to move on. Though after nearly sixteen years (granted, my crush had lain dormant for much of this time) of this on and off torment, I sort of doubted it would end so easily.

I was infatuated with you from the moment I saw you at ten years old, no matter how strange that might sound. Because of that, I was pretty sure I was always meant to love you.

The unfortunate part was that in no way meant you were supposed to, or going to, love me.

With you and Dan still in my ears, teasing each other playfully and having a grand old time, I set my forehead down on my desk and willed myself the strength to give up. To give in. You weren't mine, and you never would be.

I had to be okay with that, or I'd lose all of you forever. And I don't think my heart could take that.


	7. CHAPTER SIX: BUSY, BUT NOT REALLY

**YOUR POV**

_Have fun with your stream with Dan?_

You hadn't been able to check your phone until well after you received this text from Kevin. Feeling a bit guilty, you quickly texted back.

_Yeah! You shoulda joined in. We could have burnt the forest down together haha_

You might be well-behaved on your own, especially with Dan who tempered the natural bend to chaos in you, but with Kevin all bets were off. You nearly always went along with whatever nightmare he started. 

Almost immediately, you saw his typing notification show up, little dots wobbling as he took a minute to figure out what he was going to say.

_Nah, you two seemed to be enjoying yourselves._

You frowned a little, wondering if you were imagining a tone there. You were just reading into it too much, you assured yourself. There was no reason to suspect anything. You just wanted him to be a little jealous, as petty and childish as that desire was.

_Never bothered you before lol. Usually you like ruining our good times :)_

He didn't reply for a few minutes, giving you time to put together a sandwich for dinner. You returned to your phone when it buzzed on the small kitchen table.

_Yeah I was busy_

Okay, really? That didn't sound like Kevin at all. You hesitated a second before hitting the call button. You needed to hear his voice properly so you could pick up better on his emotions.

...If he ever picked up, that was.

_Sorry, can't talk right now._

You scowled at your phone. Okay, he was _definitely_ being weird, and you had no fecking clue why. His chat box popped up again quickly.

_I'm editing. Shouldn't really be texting, but this is soooo boring._

Ah. The relief seeped in with that reasonable explanation. He was a bit of a lazy workaholic after all. He loved his job and what he did, but when he had to edit, he sometimes texted you as well. And it was never anything long, either, just short little moments of annoyance with a clip or camera problem.

At the same time, you found it hard to put aside your brief anger at him, as silly as it now seemed. You pushed it down and texted back.

_Gotcha. Maybe you should concentrate on your real work then? Js_

You took a bite of your food and waited for a response.

_What, and get things accomplished? Does that even sound like me?_

You laughed aloud, pressing your hand to your mouth to keep food from flying out. 

It did, and didn't, at the same time admittedly. Kevin worked a lot, and quite hard as well too, despite his natural tendencies to amuse and distract himself. Sometimes you thought he was compensating for 'not having a real job' like when he owned a store. But then you figured it was just Kevin. If he enjoyed what he was doing, he put 110% into it. If he didn't… well, you'd sooner corral a herd of barn cats. 

_I believe in you, Kevin O'Reilly <3 _

You didn't regret the heart. You used it loads, for family and friends alike, even Kevin himself several times. But seeing it sent out tagged to that particular message to this particular friend right now… your actual heart gave an uncomfortable lurch. You told yourself it didn't mean anything. Nothing significantly special anyways. Even though you cared much more about what he thought of you than the rest of the lads. Even if you sort of wanted to send that heart in a more flirtatious manner. Even if you wanted it to be well received and responded to and acknowledged…

God, you just hoped you hadn't made things awkward.

_Well if you believe in me, guess I can do anything :)_

You let out a rush of relief, smiling to yourself at the lovely compliment in return. 

Even if it stung just a tiny bit not to have your subtext noticed. But that was fine. It was for the best, really. Kevin O'Reilly was an oblivious man, and you have known that for years now. 

Oblivious was better than just not really interested.

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

It was much easier to lie through text than in person. Or, well, over-the-phone in person. Admittedly, when you called, I panicked. I couldn’t handle the idea of actually trying to fool you. I was certain my voice would give me away in an instant.

Thankfully, I had a good reason to not pick up, and I think in the end, I managed to trick you. As sick as that made me to my stomach. But I just… you couldn’t know. I wasn’t ready for you to. Until I knew exactly how you’d react, and it wasn’t with utter revulsion, I’d withhold my secrets. It was too dangerous otherwise. What if I lost your friendship entirely? Not worth it.

So, instead of making it a total lie, I found some work to do and feverishly began it like some sort of atonement.

_Recite your cold open ten times and pray you only have a few emails_ , I thought to myself wryly, almost in the tone of a confessional priest. You can take the boy out of the Catholic church, but not the Catholic church out of the boy, it seemed.

If later on, when I felt a little more steady and put together, I called you just to hear your voice and make a small apology for earlier (for sins you were unaware of, but packaged in a way that seemed to explain my shortness earlier instead), it was no one’s business but myself.

I got your voicemail. I smiled to myself, not happily, but stiffly and with the sense that karma was coming back to bite me fully. It was only fair, really, so I left my brief apology and hung up, heart rattling around in my ribs like it had shrunk and now had too much space. With little else to do, I set about distracting myself with housework I had been putting off and the exercises I should have done hours ago. That always helped clear my mind, even if just a little.

And a little was all I needed to reset myself. Get back to some form of normal. 


	8. CHAPTER SEVEN: OTOME GAME, BUT THERE’S ONLY ONE REAL OPTION

**YOUR POV**

Minecraft really wasn't your game, but the boys wanted to play it, so here you were. In this cube-shaped nightmare of an open world with no real objectives or story. You had no clue what you were expected to be doing.

"Um, so what do I do?" You asked plaintively, swinging your pickaxe at the ground aimlessly. "Are we building something?"

"What do you want to do?" Daithi asked, reasonable as ever. At least, at the beginning of the game, later on… well, you’d see if that composure would be retained.

"Um…" you didn't want to play Minecraft at all, but you had a feeling that would be a bad answer. "I dunno?"

"Ugh, fine, c'mon, we can go to the jungle and cut down trees," Brian sighed, like the big brother in charge of his annoying little sibling. Seán wasn’t here today and so Brian was picking up the slack of treating you like a little sister. It was fine, and irritating, at once. So he was accomplishing his goals at least.

"We could go fishing?" Dan suggested, much more kindly.

"I was gonna go dig for diamond," Kevin spoke up quickly.

You felt caught. Your eyes darting between the three of them in uncertainty. This felt like the options screen of an otome dating sim. Your three options? The not-actually-blood-related onii-chan, the quieter nerdy-type megane, and the childhood friend. Geez, you played too many video games…

"Um…" you squeaked, overwhelmed and worried about what you would choose, how that choice would be taken. You were probably overthinking it, but your brain was going a thousand miles an hour contriving problems that would inevitably come up. 

Go with Dan and be teased by chat about being a couple but not mind it as much? Going along with the teasing and fake-flirting with Dan because it was easier, and frankly played out better, than getting all huffy about it? But that would send weird messages to both Dan and Kevin, not that either man cared all that much, you didn’t think. Still. You didn’t want to be the girl that broke up the band with her uncontrolled feelings.  _ God, you sounded so full of yourself, just thinking that... _

Going with Kevin would be fun. You’d probably be screaming and running from creepers, trying to light things on fire no matter what they were, bucketing lava and water while innocently pretending you weren’t doing it for any real reason. But you could hear the chat now, and the lads, and when it came to Kevin, you got a lot more defensive. And what if Kevin, for once, finally noticed? What if he didn't want to be friends when he found out how you felt? And yet again you were the Yoko Ono of this scenario, or worse, just shut out entirely from the lads while they went on their merry way without you.

"Brian, yeah, we can go, jungle sounds good," you chose the safest option, hurrying off after his character. If you chose Dan, you would be sure to send off the same flurry of shipping comments from chat, and after what happened last time you streamed with Dan, you didn't need Kevin being weird about that again. Even if he wasn’t being weird and you were just imagining it.

He was never that concerned about you and Brian hanging out. And it wasn't like you two couldn't talk to anyone else either right now; distance in game did not equal hearing distance after all.

"Hah hah, I stole yer girlfriend," Brian laughed, making you blush and roll your eyes.

"She's not my girlfriend," Kevin said flatly as you simultaneously reacted with an aggravated "I'm not dating anyone here, Brian".

"How'd you know I wasn't talking to Dan, Kevin?" Brian mocked playfully, ignoring you. 

"He's  _ actually _ dating someone else," Kevin responded, actually sounding a little annoyed for once. "And you're always calling her my girlfriend. Just leave off, yeah?"

"Seriously, Brian," you sighed, hiding the pangs of your heart. "Let's just go okay?"

"Geeze, okay, lovebirds," Brian threw in one last parting joke before letting go of the subject, much to your relief.

While you were gone, you noticed the boys' conversations growing heated as you distracted yourself with chopping down trees and talking to Brian. But every time you tuned back in to whatever was going on with the other lads, you heard Dan or Daithi shouting in exasperation after Kevin. It made you smile to yourself as Kevin continued to play the ass he only sometimes was in reality.

"Kevin, Kevin what are you do- Kevin stop that!" Dan cried out.

“I didn’t know it’d do  _ that _ !”

"It's  _ lava _ , what did you think it would do?" Daithi thundered.

"Um, look pretty?" Kevin suggested innocently. "Oops."

"Well, there goes our cows," Dan sighed.

"Dan, control him! I need to go get more… stop fucking with me, Kevin!"

"They sound like they're having fun," you told Brian mildly, smiling to yourself.

"We're not having fun!" Dan called out in a panic. "Please hurry back!"

"Is Kevin getting restless without his girlfriend around to impress?" Brian mocked, finding it the funniest thing in the universe it seemed. You gave a deep sigh, knowing insisting otherwise would just open you to more jokes and teasing. It didn't matter that much, really, and it wasn't like Kevin was bothered for his own sake. You shouldn't be either.

"Dear God please bring her back, she's the only one that can control him," Daithi whined. "Kevin, stop burying me!"

"Never! There was a creeper behind you. I stand by my actions," Kevin laughed maniacally.

"I can't control that, he was doing the right thing," you agreed, laughing. "I'd've buried Daithi too."

"Why is it when you two are separate you're mostly fine, and by you I mean not Kevin cuz he's never fine, but together, you're basically sides of the same coin?" Daithi grumbled.

"You say that like Dan isn't the exact same way," you pointed out easily.

"Hm, she's gotcha there, Daithi," Brian agreed. "Kevin's infectiously chaotic."

"That's not all that's infectious about me," Kevin boasted, purposefully with bad connotation, then, with an audible frown, went, "Wait, no."

Brian sniggered, calling out your name, "Might wanna get that checked out."

"He means laughter, guys, his laughter is infectious," you leaned into your mic, trying to bring the subject back to more wholesome humor. "Brian, wash your mouth out. Does your mother know you talk like that? Don't think I won't tell her."

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

"Kevin,  _ Kevin _ ," you hissed over the Discord as everyone else was squabbling about arms and legs and missing organs.

"Yeah?" I smiled at your adorable whisper, as if no one else could hear. They wouldn't, but that was because of their fighting, not your low tone. Nor the way your avatar was practically on top of mine, which invited all sorts of imaginative thinking that I tried not to fall into.

"I found a thing," your avatar wandered off a little before coming back. "I found a button. I think it does a thing, but I dunno what. Wanna find out?"

"Yes absolutely," I laughed at your hushed enthusiasm, following you back into the hallway we had explored seemingly a thousand times. Somehow, you had found a vent system the rest of them had overlooked due to the large plant near it. You pulled it open again and went through first, humming to yourself like you did when you were doing something fairly repetitive. Also when you were trying to be cute. At least, that was my interpretation of it when you were playacting the cutesy girl stereotype to lower others expectations and guards. You really only pulled that in online games with strangers, but as a joke, you'd do it to the lads as well. Despite the fact we knew full well you were probably smarter than at least most of us.

You were definitely smarter than me, though I didn’t feel like that was saying much.

"Here, here," your voice came softly but eagerly into my ears again, and I smiled instinctively at it. "This button. I think there's a chute somewhere for a leg or arm but when I press this, nothing happens."

I looked around for whatever you might need to finish this challenge.

"Hey, wait, where'd Kevin go?" Daithi noticed first, his voice already darkly suspicious.

"Uhhh, I'm fine, we're all fine," I responded back as cheerfully and innocently as possible. Obviously no one trusted that voice.

"Oh no, Kevin, what'd you do?" Dan asked, slightly grieved but mostly amused.

"Why do you always assume it's something  _ I'm  _ doing?" I picked up the fuse from a desk drawer and flashed it your way. You waved a hand in acknowledgement, a small giggle managing to sneak out.

"Ah no, he's corrupting her again," Seán sighed, making the other lads chuckle. 

"Hey,  _ I'm  _ the one being corrupted this time," I objected, laughing as I handed over the fuse to you. You fitted it in the slot and pressed the button again. An arm fell down from the chute. Your character jumped in victory, making me think once more about how cute you were.

"We don't need to hear the details of your sexcapades," Brian moaned. "Just get back here and help us fix Bob!"

"Gross, Brian, we are having completely platonic adult activities over here and you're being ridiculous," you declared, mock pompously. I hid a smirk at your choice of words, even while the platonic part was… frustrating.

"Y'know, ya use the word platonic, but then you say 'adult activities' right after and it immediately cancels out any adjective you might have used beforehand," Seán pointed out, snickering.

"Maybe we're just… doing our taxes, or laundry," I suggested, taking away the fuse and hiding it once more as you grabbed the arm.

"Or each other," Dan mumbled, instigating a dramatic gasp from you and a choked sound from myself.

"Dan! This is a family friendly channel!" You objected with overly exaggerated outrage. "I would never!" Your playful tone made it easier to hear, but still, all I could think was ‘ _ I’d never lower myself to sleeping with Kevin _ ’. I winced and shoved the thought away.

"Liar," Daithi called instantly. "Now where the fuck are you two?"

"Found ‘em," Seán popped through the vent. "They're canoodling in a secret room."

"Who even uses the word canoodling, Seán, what are you, an Irish nanny?" I asked dryly, heart pounding at the thought of being caught 'canoodling' anywhere with you. Sounded kinda nice actually. Not the being caught part so much, but the rest of it…

"We're not canoodling, we're figuring out problems," you waved the arm around. "See? Now let's go fix Bob." Hardly before you could finish your sentence, however, our screens were awash with the losing banner.

"DAN!" Daithi roared.

"I just wanted to put his head where his leg was!" Dan pled, giggling.


	9. CHAPTER EIGHT: TWITCH SINGS LOVE SONGS, BUT IT HURTS

**YOUR POV**

Every so often, Kevin did Twitch Sings, and you always wanted to try that out, so you figured you'd give it your best shot. Your chat seemed fairly keen for it, and you prepared several bottles of water in ready reach, having the feeling this might go on much longer than intended.

Your viewers had a list of recommendations already, and while a few were pushing for songs Kevin or Dan liked, mostly they wanted to hear Disney and love songs. You figured you were a passable singer, honestly just hoping for average, as you didn't want to scare off anyone with dreadful squawking. You knew you were nothing special, so there was no point in hoping for better.

Just that you weren't tone deaf would be good enough.

"Okay, so we're starting off with _Come on Eileen_ , and we're doing a duet with…" you rolled the ten sided die. "Number four! Okay. Get ready guys. I hope this sounds okay."

Halfway through your 'set', you noticed someone saying hi to Kevin, then a flood of greetings and emojis followed, all excited to see him in the chat. Apparently.

"Is Kevin here?" You asked curiously, heart thumping in your chest. "Is he…?"

A Whisper notification popped up and you clicked it, smiling to yourself as you read it aloud.

CallMeKevin1811: _I have a request, actually :)_

You groaned, smiling ear to ear however, "Oh no. What horrible thing do you wanna make me sing? I swear, if it's ABBA, you'll regret it. I love them way too much, and I will butcher them awfully."

CallMeKevin1811: _try Queen then_

You rolled your eyes, "Oh, yeah, Queen is _so_ much easier. Do I get to pick the song at least? Cuz I'm all over _You're My Best Friend_." It was a partial tease and partial truth. You knew that song very well, it being one of your mother's favorites, and a little less jumpy in terms of vocals than the rest of Mercury's songs. It also reminded you a lot of Kevin, all sunshine and teasing good feelings. It also made you think of hidden and tempered love, but he'd never know any of this since it was an awkward thing to just state out of nowhere.

Your chat did not want to let you choose, though. There was a poll and in all the fervor, if Kevin gave his opinion, you didn't catch it. You didn't see any more Whispers from him, though. He probably just came to cause chaos and ducked out when his job was done. Surely he had better things to do than watch you stream.

The audience decided on _Crazy Little Thing Called Love_ , and you sighed in resignation, clicking on it for the duets.

"You're all going to regret it," you informed them, scrolling through the duet options… and suddenly feeling a little shaky. Kevin was there. Kevin had a duet. On this song. Did chat know this? They sometimes liked to set you two up on purpose, as if it were an accident. As if they didn't know you liked him. God, you hoped Kevin wasn't taking them seriously. You hoped he wasn't listening anymore.

You glanced at the chat sheepishly and a little bit judge-y, "You all knew this was here, didn't you?"

Another poll started on whether or not you should duet with Kevin and the response "Absolutely!!!" won by a mile. To be fair though, the other two options were 'yes' and 'sure'.

"Fine," you sighed, scratching behind your headphones and clicking on Kevin's duet with only the mildest form of regret stirring in your stomach. It was one song. One love song. That was fine. You had drunk-sung plenty of stupid shit with him before. This would be easier, since it wasn't even really him. Sort of. It was stupid Past Kevin, far back Past Kevin at that who was much more clean-shaven than Current Kevin; Past Kevin, who clearly made bad choices, because you were now suffering the consequences of them.

He took the echoes behind your lyrics at first, and everything was fine. He had an amazing voice, and singing with him was only difficult because you wanted to just shut up and listen to him.

Then you got to his stanzas, and all you could do was stare as he properly broke out that gorgeous voice of his. 

"There goes my ba-a-aby. She knows how to rock 'n' roll, she drives me crazy! She gives me hot and cold fever! She leaves me in a cool cool sweat...

"I gotta be cool, relax, get hip. And get on my tracks, Take a back seat, hitch-hike. Take a long ride on my motorbike until I'm ready! Crazy little thing called love."

It wasn't much, but the eye contact, the smooth growl, the heartfelt croon, the little wink he gave at the end of his part… you felt yourself melting.

You were a little late to the ending lyrics but caught up quickly, clapping on time and everything as well. You tried not to think about how Kevin's voice felt like a hug and shove at the same time, how your singing voices worked so well together, how he made a cute little heart shape with both hands at the end and said "love ya, partner" at the end of the duet like he meant it.

You tried to retain your initial energy throughout the rest of the stream, but you had a feeling everyone noticed your dip in enthusiasm shortly after that song ended. You perked yourself back up with upbeat songs that had nothing to do with love, or at least, not ones that made you think about and look at Kevin singing in that stupid leather coat and with those shiny bright eyes of his.

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

_I'm all over_ You're My Best Friend _._ That's what you said. I sat back, wondering uneasily if that meant something. Was it some sort of pointed message? That we would never be anything more? Were you actually aware of my feelings for you? Were you trying to let me down easy?

I shoved that thought down and away, like I had been a lot lately. I was probably overthinking it. It was probably just the song you knew best or liked the most.

Still, I looked up the lyrics to check and make sure it wasn't some secret message to me. If it was, I couldn't tell. Beyond the fact it was at least effusive in its desire to stamp home the idea that _you're perfectly lovely, and I love you, but not like that_.

You ended up having _Crazy Little Thing Called Love_ chosen for you, and my heart stopped. Wait. _Shit_ . I knew I should have taken that down entirely. I had recorded it three times almost a year ago, trying not to make it too clear that I was hoping for a very specific duet partner. At the same time, I was entirely incapable of _not_ leaving hints. The first one had been too honest, and I stopped it when I realized I was pretty much broadcasting my feelings to the entire world, definitely before you would see it. 

That wasn't how I wanted to tell you.

If I really even wanted to tell you. 

The longer it took, the harder it was to give up our friendship for a more easily fucked up relationship. Or, rather, to risk our sure thing to maybe, possibly, get that closer relationship that I wanted. I wasn't sure you'd want to.

So the second one was bland as hell and besides which, I think I sounded a little more depressed than I ought for a love song.

The third worked well enough, and a small part of me still hoped you'd find it. That you'd duet it and maybe this would... help? Somehow? I hadn't really thought it through past the fact that you did always like my singing.

But that had been then, and three fingers of Jameson in, and now I was sober and you were picking duets and I…

I closed out, unable to watch that inevitable trainwreck. What if you saw my duet? Would you pick it? Would your chat pick it? Would you not want to? Would you laugh? Would it be out of surprise or just at my pathetic, half-drunk behavior? There were too many possibilities, and I was too much of a coward to see your reaction.

Later, when I had a bit of whiskey in me, maybe more than a bit and some on the side, I felt a little bit braver. Or perhaps just a little more reckless and stupid. After all, you hadn’t texted or called to give it out to me. I could take that well enough, right? Unless you felt so awkward you just wanted to pretend it never happened.

I pulled the recording of your stream up to watch, stiff as a board in my chair and waiting to be either humiliated or… well I didn't really know what my other option was. You looked so pretty when you smiled and sang along to the songs your chat asked for, and I smiled to myself as you blushed and thanked everyone for the kind comments. As if you didn't believe them

But you should. I might be biased, but I loved listening to you.

Finally, I came to the part of the stream where you were picking _Crazy Little Thing Called Love_ , and my heart was racing but I needed to know now. You saw my duet clearly, and you just looked… that was the look on your face before going up the hill of the Cú Chulainn Coaster. A little sick, very worried, but this time, you weren't squeezing the life out of my arm. 

My stomach sank. That couldn't be good, right?

"You all knew this was here, didn't you?" You shot, all accusatory, towards the chat, but a small smile on your face. It looked a little forced, though, and my heart raced uncomfortably inside me. Why did you look so nervous and upset? 

After a moment of you reading the chat, you sighed and said "Fine," but you didn't look fine.

You still had that slightly worried look on your face even as you straightened and shook yourself out a little in preparation for the song, clearing your throat.

I watched intently as you stuttered over lyrics I knew you knew, and with each bite of your lip and blush of your cheeks, I died a little inside. Why was the chat so insistent on something you were obviously uncomfortable with? I wanted to ask _why_ you were so uncomfortable with it, but once more was too afraid of the answer. And it was late. You were probably sleeping, since you had a better handle on this whole 'acting like an adult' thing with a routine and everything.

I definitely cringed at my obnoxious sign off, unable to look at Past Kevin, the fecking idiot, and thus also missed your reaction to said moron. It was easier when I referred to him, me, as a separate person to blame for Present Me's troubles. But I still felt ridiculous.

I suffered through the rest of the stream, not because you sang poorly or because I was embarrassed further, but because you looked so… sad. When the songs ended and you weren't quite looking at the camera, you bit your lip and your eyes sort of wandered.

And I felt horribly responsible for that. So this was my punishment. Seeing you react so poorly to my covert, but maybe not covert enough, release of bottled emotions. I just hoped I hadn't accidentally made you too upset, but I was afraid of how our next stream might go. Would you still want to play with me tomorrow? Would you mention this song? I couldn't stand that idea.

Before I could think too much about it, I texted Dan quickly that I might be coming down with something and not to count on me for tomorrow's stream. Setting my phone aside, I went through my usual nighttime routine, lay in bed, and struggled to fall asleep.


	10. CHAPTER NINE: AVOIDING TACTICS, BUT FEELINGS GET IN THE WAY

**YOUR POV**

"Isn't Kevin joining today?" You asked casually, as it was odd to have all the rest of the lads together and not the lord of chaos himself. He didn't usually have anything else going on.

As the other lads gave you shit and middle school level "ooooohs" for showing the slightest concern towards Kevin, Dan actually gave you a proper answer. As you somewhat expected from him. While Dan also usually leapt in on the teasing, he was a tad more sensitive about it than the rest of the guys.

"Said he was sick," Dan shrugged it off. "Not feeling up to streaming with a big group."

"Hm," you sounded distracted in your response, but only because your thoughts were now instantly on poor Kevin, passed out and sickly in his bed. Refusing soup, despite it being the best food whilst sick, because he was such a damn picky eater. Not that anyone was there to make him soup. Maybe his mom knew? Was there anyone taking care of him? There should be. What if he was really sick? What if he was dehydrating or hurt or…

As the lads set up their streams, you checked your phone, shooting off a text to Kevin in worry.

_You alright? Dan said you were sick._

As you waited, you tried to pay attention to your chat, mind elsewhere even as you answered questions and thanked everyone for the generous bits and subs. You truly had a great audience, small as it might be. In comparison to Youtubers' like Seán at least. Your channel size was around half of Kevin's, and you were honestly content with that. You felt that when the channel size was too large, you ended up with a lot more problems in your community. You loved Seán, but his fanbase was crazy huge. And just plain crazy sometimes.

_I'm fine. Just a sore throat. Trying to rest it._

You relaxed. Okay, that was good. That made sense. He used his voice a lot, and it wasn't anything a cuppa couldn't help.

_Okay. Stay safe, drink some tea or hot water and lemon, okay? Lemme know if anything gets worse :(_

_Will do. Thanks. And ugh. Tea._

You smiled to yourself, setting aside your phone and returning to the chat and set up of the lads' chosen game this week. They were still squabbling, and you found yourself naturally leaning into Kevin's position of quietly and playfully trolling them instead of trying to help out as you normally would.

You wondered if Kevin was watching the stream. You wondered if he was watching yours specifically. He was probably watching the squad stream, if he was at all.

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

I watched your stream, laying flat out in my bed. You seemed fine, acting normally, and having you text me helped a lot. I sort of wished I hadn’t lied and taken a sick day, but it was nice knowing you cared.

What would you do if I said it was worse? My brain couldn’t help but conjure up ridiculous pictures of you in a nurse’s outfit. A short laugh left my mouth as I shook the thoughts away. I watched your chat as it filled with jokes about sending me soup, and your face brightened as you read it.

“Maybe there’s some sort of delivery place that does that,” you chuckled. “Like glitter bomb letters. I could send him a box full of soup. I’m sure he’d love that.”

To be entirely fair, just receiving presents from you in any form, soup or not, would be pretty exciting. I felt bad for tricking you into caring about my wellbeing, but I did feel like shit. Self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps. Or more karma. Pretend to be sick, get strep throat and die.

Maybe I should leave a letter for her, like in some cheesy romance. _In the event of my death, I bequeath what remains of my heart to…_ oh god. I was getting so goddamn sappy.

Maybe I should go chop some wood or something. Some manly activity to make me feel less like an absolute loser.

I finished the stream instead, watching without commenting, just enjoying seeing you enjoy yourself. It’d be nice to play with you again. Missing today was definitely a mistake, but at least this way I could focus entirely on you, without being distracted by the game we were all supposed to be doing together.

You texted me after, reminding me if there was anything I needed, to just ask.

I snorted audibly at that, speaking aloud as I texted back, “So what, you’ll come here and force feed me soup?”

_If I have to, ;P_ you threatened back playfully, and I smiled ear to ear. _I make a mean Chicken Noodle Soup. If you have a can of Campbell’s, that is..._

_I keep none of that damned nonsense in my house. It is filth and should be destroyed._

_Well then, I guess you will not be honored with my presence or my soup._

_...Can it at least be a stew._

_I’ll make it as stew-like as possible, but the whole point is that it’s gotta be liquid-y, dumb-dumb._

_I’ll just have to suffer, then, I guess._

_With or without my help?_

_You_ _’re the one threatening me with soup. With or without soup?_

_...If you really insist, I suppose I could substitute soup for mashed potatoes. You’ll eat those, right?_

_Definitely._

_Okay. See you in three to four hours ;)_

_Wait, you’re serious?_

_No, you have to tell me if you’re seriously being serious._

_Cuz seriously, my house is a wreck._

_You have to tell me if you’re actually coming, I really can’t tell._

_Sorry, missed the buses for Cork today :( Maybe I’ll visit for Christmas, though?_

_Sounds perfect._


	11. CHAPTER TEN: THE INCITING INCIDENT, BUT IT’S NEAR THE END

**YOUR POV**

Dublin was too busy and hectic for you. It was a relief when you found Dan at the cafe you promised to meet at. He picked the perfect location - a cozy little nook you never would have found without actively going up and down each alley looking for it. It had a wall of books to borrow from and a huge selection of teas. You bought your favorite hot drink and pastry before sitting down with Dan in two mismatched plush chairs.

"This is nice," you sighed, finally able to relax. "God, the buses were so packed today. I think I might as well have put on a corset today with how squashed I was." You pulled out your phone to take a picture of your drink and pastry because yes, you were that basic white bitch, and fuck off. Your followers were very interested in your food, probably. "Hey, we should get a selfie together! I don't think I have almost any with you."

"Yeah, you and Kevin tend to pair off more," Dan replied mildly, a teasing glint in his big eyes. You rolled your own right back at him.

"I've just known him the longest," you muttered, knowing a significant portion of your selfies were, indeed, with Kevin and Kevin alone. "It's nothing weird."

"Sure it isn't," Dan shrugged, scooting closer. "You wanna take it or should I?"

"Your arm is longer," you handed over your phone, primping your hair slightly before leaning into him and smiling up at the camera. He took the picture and handed you back your phone to post it. Thankfully it was a good one.

"Nothing better than tea and a good friend," you captioned aloud, smiling happily to yourself. You glanced up at Dan, smiling shark-like now. "So. Where's this girlfriend of yours I've heard so little about?"

You hadn't met her yet, none of the lads had, and Dan was one to keep his private life private. So when he offered to introduce you two a while back, you were rather excited. You needed some female friends. The lads didn't get… some things, and maybe it'd be easier talking to another girl about certain life stuff.

Unfortunately you hadn't gotten any free time until just now, many months later.

Dan took a sip of his tea and nodded to himself slowly, "Right. I don't think I told the lads. We uh, we broke up."

"Oh!" Your eyes went wide and you reached out for his hand. "I'm so sorry! I mean, was it, okay? Are you okay? Why didn't you…" you didn't have to finish that question. The lads took very little seriously, and Dan was still warming up to them as a group. He and Kevin were closer, but Kevin was friendly with everyone, surprisingly. It made it easy to be friends with him. You squeezed his hand gently for comfort. "You seem okay."

"Yeah, yeah, uh," Dan laughed a little, not actually amused, but it was a wry sound instead. "I didn't wanna bring it up since it kinda kept the chat off your back with the whole me versus Kevin thing."

You exhaled, releasing him, "A, it's not your job to monitor that stuff for me. B, thanks, but I don't think it did all that much, no offense."

"Yeah," Dan agreed, warming his hands on his drink. "Sorry. Yeah I guess I just didn't want to… get into all of it with everyone. You seemed the safest option."

"Well I'm a little chuffed you think that," you smiled into your drink, taking a sip. "But also, I mean, I'm the obvious choice, so." You waited a moment, "But, you are okay?"

Dan sighed, "Well I'm not exactly  _ happy _ , but there wasn't much I could do about what happened. I can't force her to stay with me if she doesn't want to, and frankly, I wouldn't want  _ that  _ to be the reason she stayed."

"Well, she's missing out," you smiled sympathetically at him. "Okay. Today's your day. What do you wanna do after this?"

You ended up touring a bit around Dublin, taking a few pictures for Twitter and Instagram, and hating on the Spire. You ran into a few of Dan's fans there, who squealed upon recognizing you two and insisted on pictures. They asked if you were out on a date, eyes sparkling hopefully, but both you and Dan laughed it off, saying it was nothing more than a friendly outing. They seemed a little disappointed, but one of them smiled ear to ear.

"Then what about Kevin?" She asked mischievously.

You managed to answer without giving yourself away too much, keeping it to a simple "we're just friends" and retail-worker smile.

You hoped the girls didn't make a big deal of that part of the conversation. Or any of it really. You hadn’t thought about how Kevin might take this trip. Not that he’d probably care? You just didn’t want to hurt him. He was your best friend. Your favorite person. It was hard not to be concerned with how everything you did might get back to him, how you wanted to be perceived by him.

There was that part of you that just wanted to throw caution to the wind and let him know how you felt. So going off with other guys, being seen as a girlfriend to a mutual friend, struck you as a little… rude. In a way. Even if it didn’t make sense.

You should just hang out with Dan and enjoy your time together. He was a fun guy, and you were friends after all. He knew that, you knew that, and Kevin ought to as well.

When you found that your phone battery was dying, you two headed to his house to order dinner and play videogames. It was nice, and you realized exactly how much you missed having actual friends to hang out with, versus talking online. After high school, your friend group pretty much split, and you didn't really meet many people in college that you made time for.

You two decided to stream a Halo 1 campaign for nostalgia’s sake. Dan’s chat was very surprised, and a little too excited, to see you playing together IRL. You blushed at some of their effusive words, wondering in the back of your head if Kevin was watching and reading along. You didn’t want him to get the wrong idea.

_ Awww, they look so cute together! _

_ I ship it so hard _

_ Guys, they’re just friends, c’mon. _

_ But what would their ship name be? _

You laughed and ignored the chat primarily. You couldn’t get hung up on what ifs and the worries that clouded your head. You just wanted to have fun and enjoy this old game with a newish friend. Occasionally you made a quip here and there, a few about Dan using you as cannon fodder.

“That can’t be a good indication of our relationship status,” you smirked, knowing you were just feeding the chat’s ship war, but kind of enjoying it. It was a little more comfortable with Dan, considering you didn’t feel the same way about him that you did for Kevin, and you didn’t mind seeming flirty, knowing neither of you were interested.

“You just, you make such a good meat shield,” Dan sighed, chuckling under his breath. “Okay, do you want to take the sniper rifle then?”

“Nah, I’m good with my AK,” you ran ahead willingly. Hey, he wasn’t forcing you to be the cannon fodder; you just enjoyed it.

You didn’t hear your phone ringing over in the kitchen where it was charging, but later, you found two missed calls from Kevin and a text that was just a simple  _ hey _ .

You figured you’d call him back in the morning. Or, that is, afternoon, since you went to bed around four AM.

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

I was working on the thumbnail for the video I was uploading today when the alert from Twitch let me know Dan was streaming. Odd for his schedule, but whatever. Maybe I'd check it out for a bit later.

But thumbnails were boring and I still had time, so I opened a new tab and figured I wouldn't watch more than a few minutes before getting back to work. I definitely had never distracted myself like this before, and I definitely always got straight back to work like I promised myself I would.

"Okay, but I'm playing blue Master Chef," your laughter just about punched a hole in my stomach. Or maybe it was your presence, next to Dan, not just streaming with him but… streaming  _ with _ him. In his room. Sitting next to each other like… as if… I couldn't breathe.

"Yes, chat, I am aware it's  _ Chief _ , but honestly, wouldn't a killer chef be so much more interesting? Don't tell me Gordon Ramsey hasn't killed a man with his bare hands for a recipe," you were smiling and happy and while I always enjoyed that, it was difficult to do so right now. Because you were with Dan. Why were you with Dan? Dublin was just as far from Galway as Cork, almost. If you wanted to hang out with someone why didn't you ask me? Like you usually did?

Because you didn't want to just  _ hang out _ . Because you and Dan made more sense than me and you, clearly. My eyes were burning as I shut off the stream and scrambled for my phone. That twisted and self-loathing monster inside of me told me to check your social media to be sure. Because Dan had a girlfriend, right? I shouldn't have to be worried. I wasn't worried.

I was fecking jealous as hell.

I pulled up your instagram first. You had posted a small album of shots in Dublin, selfies and shots of the architecture and surroundings. Then I found the picture of you and Dan. You, practically tucked into his side and smiling ear to ear as his stretched out arm took the picture, necessitating his head to partially rest over yours and his other arm to curve over your shoulders. The comments were effusive in their delight, fawning over your ship-name and how  _ cute _ you two looked together. In their eyes, the ship war was over, and I couldn't deny that. 

Dan had clearly won. I... 

My stomach squirmed and roiled at the damning picture. It didn't matter that the caption called him a friend. It didn't look exactly friendly to me, and I know that if I were in the spot where Dan was, I'd… well. I wasn't though, was I? I was here, and you were there, playing games with Dan, visiting Dan, in person.

I went back to work to try and push away the swirling ache inside of my chest, but my phone taunted me from my desk. I hastily finished up the video and began the process of uploading it before snatching the damned device back up again. I had to make sure. I had to know. Again, the part of me that hated myself had to ensure my chances were well done and dusted. 

That you weren't interested in me; that you never would be.

Dan's Twitter had a new message that effectively destroyed my slight hope I was drastically misunderstanding the situation.

He broke up.

With his girlfriend. 

So you were there to… what. Help him? Make him feel better? In what capacity? My brain was excellent at conjuring up all the ways you could make Dan feel better and the sick feeling in my stomach tripled. It was wrong, I was wrong to be so upset, but I couldn’t help my feelings. I couldn’t help how my body reacted in so much pain over something as simple as seeing you with another man.

Bitterness and anger flowed through me, poisoning my body with sour despair and regret. What if I had been braver? Or quicker. Or… it didn't matter, did it. You had always preferred Dan; that was blindingly obvious in hindsight. You two were so alike and in tune. I knew that after watching your  _ Don't Starve _ stream with him; I just hadn’t figured out how much that mattered. I scrolled through the comments numbly, just to hurt myself more it seemed, because while most of the comments were sympathies, there were definitely more than a few that asked if it was for you. If he was finally going to go for you. Because everyone else saw it but me.

Because I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to think it meant anything, how you play-flirted with Dan during streams and had your Mother/Father dynamic, how so many other people saw it…

I was a fecking moron.

I got up to grab a glass of whiskey and told myself I'd stop after one. Maybe two. And I definitely wouldn't blow up your phone with angry and depressed demands of why and when and how and  _ why not me _ .

Shouldn't it be obvious? It was never going to be me.


	12. CHAPTER ELEVEN: PHONE CALL, BUT IT’S WEIRD

**YOUR POV**

You were on the bus back to Galway, happy to be headed home, but well-content from the visit you had. Playing with your phone, you remembered Kevin’s text from the night before. You should probably check on him. Make sure everything was okay. Two missed calls was a little worrisome, but not overly.

**KEVIN POV**

I was definitely too drunk for this, especially at this time in the morning. Oh God, I wasn't prepared for you to call back. Would you hear the absolutely disgusting neediness in my tone? What if I let something slip? Oh Jesus, I was a fecking mess.

“Hey, what’s up? You called me yesterday?”

“...So you and Dan, huh? Makes sense.”

“What?”

“Y’know. You and Dan. Together, or whatever.”

“We’re… not together?”

“Right.”

“Seriously, Kevin, are you alright? You sound… weird.”

“Me? I’m fine. Just fine! I just… thought I’d… dunno. Congratulate you two or whatever.”

“We’re not getting married or anything.”

“Yeah but… you seem happy, so, I just… I want you to be happy.”

“Okay, but really Kevin, I’m not dating Dan.”

“...Sure.”

You frowned at your phone as Kevin hung up, wondering why the hell he sounded so… strange. You'd almost call him drunk, but he didn't sound like his usual happy drunk self. You'd text him later to make sure he was alright.

I wasn't fucking drunk  _ enough _ for this. Why would you hide it from me, except that you knew how I felt and were trying to spare me? Great. So I had your pity, but nothing else. That was… that was grand. Just perfect.

...I definitely wasn't drunk enough.


	13. CHAPTER TWELVE: AVOIDING TACTICS PART TWO, BUT IT GOES AS WELL AS PART ONE

**YOUR POV**

The last two times you streamed with the lads now, Kevin was either avoiding interaction with you almost entirely throughout, or he wasn’t there at all. It was extremely frustrating, and worrying, and you wondered what he could possibly be so upset at you for. Hanging out with Dan? Was he jealous? Not in a romantic sense, surely, but like, jealous as a friend? Was that a thing?

You weren’t about to stop being friends with Dan over this, but the Dan/You fans were getting louder and a little more obnoxious now with the Halo stream to capitalize on. You had a feeling that was not making Kevin feel any better, but you also had no clue how to address this without embarrassing the both of you. He wasn’t picking up your calls, and he was ignoring your texts. The closest you got to talking to him was in-game where he could only pretend to not hear you. The chat was never going to chill about it anyways, so it seemed pointless to address.

But it left you feeling like you were being pushed out of the whole group. Which was, honestly, the worst part about this. See, this was why you didn’t want to like, much less date, any of the guys in this group. You knew it would ruin everything, and you were right. Even just the very _idea_ that you might be dating Dan was causing rifts.

After the third group stream that pretty much ended with Kevin blatantly ignoring you needing help with a basic task and the entire team failing the objective, you called Dan.

“I don’t know what we have to do to fix Kevin, but I think we might need to make a 'we’re not dating' PSA on both of our channels,” you started in a rush, trying not to sound as irritated as you felt. It wasn’t really his fault, at all, but you couldn’t help but be mad at _something_.

“Okay, but I don’t see why you’d think that would help,” Dan responded doubtfully. “The people that ship us aren’t really going to listen, and you know it’s more a joke than anything else.”

“I know,” you sighed, losing steam but not the urge to fix this situation. “But I don’t… I don’t get what’s bothering Kevin, I just, I want him to stop acting like this.”

“You should probably talk to him, then,” Dan suggested.

“I tried that,” you rolled your eyes. “He didn’t listen. He just kept repeating ‘I’m fine’ in that ‘I’m not fine at all’ voice and saying ‘sure’ like ‘I don’t believe you’.”

Dan let out a breath of air, “I’ll talk to him too, okay? Maybe you should call him tomorrow? Try again to explain it your way? I’m gonna hang up. We can do that PSA thing tomorrow too, if you still want.”

“Yeah, okay,” you relaxed a little. “Thanks, sorry about this, Dan. It’s… this is so frustrating for me.”

“No, yeah, I can see why,” Dan agreed sympathetically. “Okay. I’ll text you when I’m done with Kevin, okay? I’ll try and let you know how it went.”

“Thanks,” you repeated softly. “You know. Not that I’d usually have a problem being mistaken for your girlfriend. You’re a really great guy, Dan.”

“But you like someone else,” Dan finished easily, and you could hear his smirk.

“Um…” _yeah_. God, you so wanted to admit it, for once. You could practically taste the relief of allowing one person in on this badly kept secret, feel the weight lifted off your chest. But you were still afraid to. Your tongue stuck in your mouth by habit, too used to remaining quiet.

“I know. It’s fine. I don’t really like you like that either.”

“Ouch,” you laughed a little, not hurt in the slightest.

“Yeah, you’re just, you’re just too much of a gamer girl, you know? So lame,” Dan sighed mockingly.

“Yeah well you suck too, Daniel Condren,” you grinned ear to ear. You were so lucky to have friends like these, comfortable enough to hurl insults and smile simultaneously.

“Haven’t heard that one before. Night.”

“Night.”

You woke up groggily in the middle of the night to two texts.

Dan - _I talked to him. I think he's finally getting it now._

Kevin - _We should probably talk. Again._

Smiling a little to yourself, feeling hopeful, you responded with a thumbs up to both texts and a 'in the morning' to Kevin. You could hardly sleep that night, resorting to Lofi in hopes of lulling you into dreamland.

* * *

**KEVIN POV**

I nearly chucked my phone across the room when I saw the name on it, surprising myself with the strong blast of rage that came on me so suddenly. 

I actually hurled it, more out of panic than anger, when I read the text he sent, saying we had to talk. About you. He really was living up to my once-playful name for him, wasn't he? What, did he just want to rub it in my face? No matter that I knew Dan well enough by now to realize that was a ridiculous thought to have. I might call Dan a villain, but it had been all in jest. ‘Til now.

I finally stood from my chair, bringing my whiskey with me as I swept down to grab the goddamned electronic that I'd much rather drop kick into a dumpster than respond to. He was probably going to tell me to back off, but I didn't know how to any more than I already was. 

Knowing how I'd feel if a guy still thought he had a chance with you, I did my best to ignore you. I couldn't pair up and enjoy my time with you as selfishly as I had before. You were with Dan or whatever now. I had to respect that. But I didn't know how to be around you without flirting in my usual primary school, pigtail-pulling fashion, so I let you be entirely. And when I didn't think I could manage another day of deliberately ignoring you, I didn't stream altogether.

And it hurt so much that I wanted to beg forgiveness and explain everything and just pray you still liked me enough to forgive me for daring to fall for you.

I stared at Dan's message and wondered what to do next. Play dumb? I was pretty good at that. I'd been fooling myself for years after all, thinking that maybe one day I’d actually be where I wanted to be. With who I wanted to be. Whilst remaining a total coward the entire time.

I thumbed the call button and waited with my heart pounding away in my ears.

"Kevin," Dan's voice greeted me softly, and I suddenly felt like a kid about to be scolded for something I couldn't fully comprehend yet.

"Daniel," I returned blandly. After an awkward moment of quiet, I finally broke it in my usual joking way. "Now that we're assured everyone here knows each other's names, did you want to tell me something?" My voice shook a little, and I swallowed a bit more of my liquid courage to try and mask it.

"Yeah, I do," Dan sighed, and my heart sank. This was when he told me to back off. That you were his girlfriend now and I couldn't mess with you like I used to, like I wanted to. This was when Dan rubbed his victory in my face, not as blatantly as that thought suggested, but in a protective way of ensuring I didn't make you any more uncomfortable than I already have.

But that was when Dan surprised me.

"You know we're not dating, yeah?" Dan asked me wearily, and I snorted because it was even worse when Dan was trying to pull this shit on me. How dare he deny you like that? I wouldn't… I wouldn't get the chance.

"I know we're not dating, Dan," I played purposeful idiot for a laugh from others. Now I played it to hide the nearly audible shattering of my heart. "I mean, if we were, you'd be a really crappy boyfriend. I didn't get so much as a hello for this call…"

"You know what I mean, Kevin," Dan cut off my rambling with a stern message. "She was visiting Dublin cuz she thought she was going to meet my ex. I completely forgot that. We were only hanging out, and I swear, on everything I hold dear, that we are not planning on getting together. Ever."

I frowned because that didn't make sense to me. Not in the slightest. "Why not?" I couldn't help but blurt out. What was so wrong with you that Dan couldn't conceive of dating you? No, what was wrong with Dan? You were _everything_.

"Because, we don't feel like that about each other," Dan explained patiently, again as if to a particularly thick child, which I was beginning to feel more and more like. "Besides which, I'm not about to date a girl that my friend is mad for."

I laughed, a hollow and rattling sound that bounced around my house and chest uncomfortably, "What? What friend, I…"

"Kevin, shut up," Dan ordered in an almost unfamiliar tone. "We all know you like her. Well except for _her_ , and I don't fecking know how. Aside from your horrible treatment this last few weeks, you've never been anything but arse over tea kettle in love with her. While it's been a good craic here and there, I'm not about to let it disrupt the group. So nut up and tell her, or at least fecking apologize for being a complete ass."

Wind utterly snatched from my sails, I had nothing to say to that. At first, that is. Finally my jaw seemed to be rehinged and wasn't useless to me, and I managed to stutter out, "Yeah, right, like it's just that easy…"

"Make it easy," Dan suggested firmly. "Cuz otherwise, you might just lose her forever. She thinks she's being pushed out of the group."

My heart sank. That wasn't at all my intention. I didn't think you'd care overly much, but then, I also thought you'd be more distracted with Dan. Clearly that wasn't actually happening, though, no matter what the paranoid part of my brain was screaming.

I'd sooner abandon the group myself than allow you to be pushed out.

"I'll… I'll call her," I promised faintly, already looking at your number in my phone. It was late. I didn't know what to say yet. I was drunk. I should leave it til morning, but… I should also let you know. I didn't want you to hurt for a second longer than I already made you hurt.

"Good," Dan's voice came tinny over the speaker, held as it was away from my ear. "Cuz this is just getting ridiculous at this point."

I frowned, "What do you mean by that?"

"You're both so fucking oblivious," was Dan's only response before he hung up. 


	14. CHAPTER THIRTEEN: A HAPPY ENDING BUT NOTHING IS OVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some mature-ish things in here? Like, nothing more than PG-13 stuff, though, I'd say...

**YOUR POV**

You poured your after-breakfast coffee, hands trembling a little in the chill air, though it wasn’t just from the cold. The weather outside was as inclement as Ireland could manage, with heavy thunderstorms and constant rain for the last few hours. Somehow, despite not being all that superstitious (maybe you were a little stitious), you feared this weather portended terrible news. 

**KEVIN POV**

_ I hate rain. Ugh, my hair’s gonna be atrocious. Does it even fecking matter? _

It was almost ten AM, and you were so damn nervous about calling Kevin. Should you call him? Would he call you first? You should probably text him and ask.

_ Maybe I should let you know. Or do I just… surprise you? _

_ Do you like surprises? Should I know this by now??? _

Your thumb slipped over the screen, selecting Kevin's contact number, about to hit call when someone knocked on the door. Frowning, you headed over to it, clutching your bathrobe tight around you. You had clothes on underneath but still managed to feel caught off guard and bared. Who could that be?

_ Please be home. Please be okay with this. _

You opened the door carefully, peeking around it as you did so. As soon as you saw who it was, though, you practically flung it wide open.

_ God, I missed you. _

“Kevin!” you gasped, pulling him in by his jacket, the sodden leather slippery in your hand. “What’re you doing here? I thought you meant you’d  _ call _ !”

_ I was gonna. But I’m really enjoying the look on your face right now, and I wouldn’t have been able to see it over the phone. I’m so glad I came. _

“Yeah, I thought that too,” I admitted, running my hands through my soaked hair and down my face to swipe off the droplets. “And then I figured, y’know, go big or go home. And I was already at home, so, no other choice really.” Bad joke, but still. It’s what I was known for, right? Bad jokes and being an utter fecking mess.

You smiled a little, confused. “Um, okay. Do, do you want to take a shower or something? How long were you out there? You could’ve gotten sick.”

“I’ve got a good immune system,” I thought about the stomach ulcers and ear problems of my childhood. But those were all resolved now. I was probably fine. Working out had also helped avoid getting sick too often, I think. Either way, it was a strained and weird conversation to have. My speciality.

And then we just… were. You were there, and I was here with you, and I didn’t know what the hell to say. Where to start. I was sort of doing a spontaneous thing, and the thing about spontaneity was, I had no clue what would come next.

You two stood there awkwardly for a moment, just looking at each other. You hadn’t seen him in person for a few months now, Galway not being particularly close to Cork, and you not having good enough reasons for wanting to hang out in person other than simply missing him. Missing him and his smell and his warm hugs that wrapped all around you. 

But now it was weird, probably thanks to the last few weeks of him avoiding you, and he was  _ here _ . In your house. Which he definitely hadn’t been in but the once on your last birthday.

_ Okay, okay, just, just start with why I’m here. I’m being a fecking eejit. _

“I… should apologize for being a total ass,” Kevin started nervously, gaze darting all over the room rather than able to focus on just you. It made you a little nervous, but then, you also understood. Sort of. All you could look at was Kevin, your house practically ceasing to exist around you. “I mean, I am. Apologizing. I'm really sorry. I was… upset. But that’s not a good excuse. It’s not an excuse at all, really.”

“No, not really,” you agreed, though you were happy he was apologizing. There was a small part of you that was worried Dan had gotten the wrong idea, gotten your hopes up, and Kevin was going to call you just to make the cold shoulder official. “But thank you.”

_ But wait, there’s more. ...If I can get my stupid tongue to form the right words. If I can get past this mental block of shutting down and boarding up every romance-related moment with you. _

“That’s, not all,” he sighed, stamping a foot and looking up at your ceiling for a second. “I was…” he scrubbed at his light beard, mumbling the last word into his hand so you could barely hear it.

“What?” you blinked, wondering if what you thought you heard was right, wondering if it meant more or less than what you thought it meant. 

“I was jealous,” he glared at the ground, face turning pink. “And it was stupid, and I’m sorry, but that’s how I felt. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Even if you and Dan aren’t… dating?” He still looked a little like you’d suddenly surprise him with the announcement that you and Daniel were now pregnant and eloping to Germany.

“We aren’t,” you confirmed easily, emphatically. “And I’m pretty sure we never would, barring extreme and ridiculous circumstances. Possibly involving the end of the world.”

_ Thank fucking Christ. _

“Good,” Kevin huffed out, tucking his hands in his pockets, then pulled them out and clenched his fingers into fists just briefly. He always fidgeted unless his hands, or sometimes mouth, were busy. He needed the distraction of physical movement when standing still, or his mind and attention, and often body itself, wandered off. “Good, cuz, that’d be… horrible.”

You raised your eyebrows, “I mean, I’m not interested in him at all, but he’s not like the Bogeyman or anything. I’m sure he makes a wonderful boyfriend. Just, not for me.”

“Well yeah, that’s, that’s what I mean,” Kevin blustered on, still not quite giving you full eye contact. And now it was bugging you. Couldn’t he just look at you? He was too busy rambling. “He’s, y’know, Dan and he’s all… villainous and evil and…”

“Kevin,” you cut him off, clamping both hands on the sides of his face with a bravery that astounded you, and now his stormy eyes were locked straight into yours. You suddenly couldn’t breathe, your palms freezing against his chilled skin, but you had to finish your thought or you’d be stuck in this moment for eternity. 

_ This feels nice. I like your hands on my face. _

“You’re not here to talk about Dan the villain, are you?” The words came out hushed almost entirely under your breath.

“No,” I admitted immediately, biting down on my bottom lip briefly. “No, I wanted… you should know I…” I kept stopping, my mouth twisting into a scowl each time, and then finally turned around to the wall with a shout, tearing from your hold easily. “Feck! Why is this so  _ fecking  _ hard to say?!”

I wanted to say it. It needed to be said. It was practically building up in my guts like knots tied one after another in my intestines.

You tipped your head to the side, aching inside that he was clearly confused and hurting as well, wanting to help but having no clue how. You stared at his back, thinking hard, before pressing your hands lightly up against his spine. You felt him stiffen at your touch, glancing over his shoulder at you.

“First,” you started gently. “How about you go take a hot shower? I can throw your clothes in the dryer. Maybe if you’re a little more comfortable, it’ll be easier. I can make cocoa, and we’ll talk about this in a bit, yeah?”

Kevin nodded a little and took a deep breath. He turned around fully with a small smile and a look in his eyes you had never seen before, “I love you.”

_ Shit. I said it. _

He might as well have decked you in the stomach. You stared back, stunned beyond words, stunned beyond breathing in fact, just looking at his face. “You…?” you finally managed, the word coming out strangled. Your hands drew back towards your chest, as if to protect your heart from his words meaning exactly what you wanted them to. What else could he mean though?

_ Shit.  _ Why  _ did I say it?! _

Kevin’s face fell, the starry-eyed expression dropping immediately as it was replaced by immediate shame and disappointment, “I mean… as a friend?” but it came out far too weakly.

_ Shit fuck dammit! _

Your heart was still racing inside you, trying to understand what he meant. How could he say he loved you? No, he had this all wrong. You were the one pining endlessly and uselessly for him. How could he have felt the same way this whole time?

“Kev…” you started, finally feeling capable of expressing yourself once more when he shook you away.

_ Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit! _

_ Fix it, Kevin, what a fecking moron! You’re going to hate me.  _

_ No you’ll just avoid me and never talk to me again, cuz that's so much better. _

“No, no it’s fine you don’t feel that way. That’s fine. Good, even, better. Cuz see, then, then we skip the whole bit where I feck everything up and make you hate me forever. Now you’re just uncomfortable around me, but I don’t have to be around you. It’s still okay if we play games together, right? I’ll try not to make things weird, I promise..."

_ Feck, please don’t hate me. _

“Kevin!” you grabbed him again the second his monologue became a spiraling mess rather than the explanation you needed. Wanted, maybe, rather. “I do feel that way, and I want you to make things weird. I like when we make things weird. I like us. I like… you.” It all came out jumbled and not quite what you meant to say, but you were pretty sure he got it, judging by the dawning look of awe and disbelief on Kevin’s face.

_ Wait, what? You like me? _

And then your hands were on the back of my neck, sending tingles through my entire body.

To make it clear, you pulled him down by the back of his head and fit your mouth to Kevin’s in a decidedly brutal kiss. Your teeth clashed uncomfortably once, his lips were cold, and his long nose jabbed into yours, but it didn't take long to fix either issue. His hands came up to cradle your face as his tongue licked into your mouth, shivers running all through you like electric currents. You could barely hold onto him, let alone keep your legs locked, and you made the strategic decision to pull him to your couch until you fell back on the cushions and Kevin was leaning over you, kiss broken to ensure he wasn't about to crush you.

“You okay?” I asked, worriedly, hoping I wasn’t already fecking up.

“I’m fucking brilliant,” you pulled him back in. You didn’t mind the idea of being crushed by him.

His damp clothes were cold and soggy against you, but underneath, his core felt warm, and even as you began to tremble more from the cold transference, you kept kissing him.

It wasn't until your clothes were also wet through that he realized you were shivering, and he pulled back.

_ Shit, you’re freezing. _

"Maybe I should've taken you up on the shower and dryer option first," he muttered apologetically, gazing down at your wet shirt and shorts, the top dark enough to avoid being entirely see-through.

"S'okay," you sat up as well, taking this opportunity to kiss him again, feeling and hearing the soft sigh he gave at that. "I don't mind. I've been wanting to do this for awhile now." Your lips hardly left his to speak and quickly returned when you finished your sentence, fully and a little drowsily enjoying the experience. You never thought you'd have this.

"A while?" Kevin asked after a moment, his hands not leaving your body as he pulled back. You really, really liked the way they felt on you. "How long's a while?"

_ I might fecking hurt myself if you’ve been thinking of doing this as long as I have, and I wasn’t smart enough to notice or brave enough to make a move first. _

You shrugged, finally sitting back, just enough to see his face entirely, "I dunno. Maybe a year?" You tried to think. "I mean, I thought you were cute when I was just watching your YouTube videos, so if you count then, maybe two and a half?" you eyed him curiously. "Why?"

_ Am I really going to tell you? Fecking Christ, I’ll seem so pathetic, but I’m so sick of basically lying to you. _

He looked a little flushed, avoiding your gaze, "Why what?"

"Why do you want to know how long?" You persisted, smiling a little at his sudden shyness, and you wondered what it meant. "What's 'a while' to you?"

Kevin chewed the inside of his lip and sighed, "I think I had a crush on you when we met as kids." The words came out muffled as he spoke them more at the couch than yourself, but your heart filled with emotions at the very idea. "I wouldn't say  _ since  _ then, but I liked you then and I like you now, and it's hard to say when it stopped. ... _ If _ it fully stopped…"

_ Aaaand this when you laugh in my face. No, you wouldn’t do that, but seriously, what woman wouldn’t think this so pathetic and ridiculous? If not that, then outright creepy. _

You held your hand over your mouth to keep the overjoyed noise from leaving it in a squeak, but the smile was unstoppable. "Oh my God, Kevin, that's adorable. Really? I thought you hated me!"

_ Really? That’s what you got from me being too scared to talk to you and flinching whenever you were around and stuttering whenever you so much as looked at me? ...Yeah, alright, I guess that makes sense. But I was ten! I had no clue what I was feeling or why. _

He rolled his eyes at you, “See, this was why I wasn’t gonna say anything.”

“I won’t tell anyone else,” your eyes glittered mischievously. “Maybe. Yet. Whilst sober. Fuck, Kevin, I never knew you were such a romantic.”

_ Romantic. Thank God you have such low standards for that, apparently. God, you’re adorable even when being an absolute menace to me. _

“I’m gonna go take that shower now,” he got up, taking off his jacket and tossing it onto you, trying to look pouty but failing miserably. Giggling, you pulled it off your head, smiling at him.

“Want some company, Romeo?” you teased. “Since you can’t live without me?”

“Fuck off,” but he couldn’t hide the smile tugging at his lips.

_ Fecking hell, seriously? _

My brain was in far too many pieces still from kissing you ( _ kissing you! _ ) to be able to come up with any sort of picture of what you were suggesting. It just kept coming up with an Error 404 message and dial up sounds. Were you serious? 

Laughing, you followed him to the bathroom. You’d have to grab his wet clothes anyways to go dry them. Might as well get a sneak peek at the same time, right?

“Do you need me to get your back?”


	15. EPILOGUE, BUT NOTHING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continued mature themes. A little stronger than last chapter, but still nothing too explicit, just references to explicit activities :)

**KEVIN POV**

I couldn't sleep again. But for reasons entirely different than what they used to be. You were curled up in my arms, breathing gently against my chest, and even with drool escaping your lips, I couldn't help but smile. Gently dragging my fingers through your hair, I pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, delighting in the ability to do so.

**YOUR POV**

_ Mmm, that’s nice. ...Why’s he still awake? _

"Go sleep," you mumbled, clearly not as knocked out as I thought.

“You’re drooling,” I told you softly, smirking. Your hand jerked up to swipe at the puddle, eyebrows furrowing down even as your eyes remained shut.

_ Ew. Ugh. Why does he like me? Well he fecking better, considering... _

“You like it,” you finally muttered. “Fecking weirdo.”

“I like  _ you _ ,” I amended your statement with a wide smile.

_ I love you, you absolute dork. _

“Like you too,” you sighed. “Now sleep. Busy day tomorrow.”

“I know,” I seriously couldn’t stop smiling. “That’s why I can’t sleep.”

“Gonna hafta sneak out tomorrow morning,” you yawned, nuzzling into my skin and pressing an absent kiss to my shoulder. “If you don’t want my mother murdering you.”

_ Don’t want you to leave. Like you here. Stay. S’nice and warm next to you. _

“I think I can handle a fifty year old woman,” I scoffed, then thought about it. “Though, it is your mom… maybe you should have the headstone carved just in case.”

“Here lies Kevin O’Reilly. He was gonna have a good day, then he did something stupid as usual and fucked it up,” you snorted.

“Here lies Kevin O’Reilly, and he was gonna have the best day of his life,” I corrected again, kissing your hairline as the swell of warmth that came with the reminder of what lay in store tomorrow washed over me. “But he defied convention and paid for it.”

_ God, he is a fucking sap. I love it. I love him. _

“Convention shmonshention,” you hummed. “I prefer sleeping next to you.”

“More like on top of me,” I joked, looking at how you were practically using me as a mattress. Not that I was really complaining.

_ Mm, Kevin’s comfier than this rock anyways. I wanna be in our house. Feck tradition, seriously. _

“Bed’s too small. Miss our bed,” you sulked, shifting on the tiny twin bed of your childhood home.

“Gonna have to miss it for a little while more, love,” I combed your hair back carefully, enjoying everything about this, you, and the conversation. No matter how late it was, how much I ought to sleep, how sleepy you were. I missed you all today, yesterday, whatever.

_ I love when he calls me that. I love when he plays with my hair. What was he saying again? _

“Yeah, but at least I won’t be sharing a wall with my family,” you muttered back.

“It’s fine. Just makes it all the more exciting,” I teased, hand now sliding down your body and resting on your hip. You shivered beneath my touch, legs clenching around mine for a brief moment, and I nearly threw you under me again, dying to taste your skin and be a part of you again.

_ Okay, I want him, but seriously, the walls here ain’t that thick. And he makes it very hard to stay quiet. _

“Exciting, sure, that’s the word for it,” you grumbled. “Next time, we’ll do it in the room over from your parents. See how you feel.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time,” I laughed quietly, burying the sound in your hair. You snickered back a little, slapping my chest lightly, before it turned to a gentle caress.

_ This fecking moron. Can’t believe I’m marrying him. God, I can’t believe I’m  _ marrying _ Kevin! _

“Don’t make me regret saying ‘I do’ tomorrow, okay?” you groaned playfully, and I knew you were joking, but I still treated it fairly seriously..

“Never,” I promised, tilting your head up by the chin to kiss you softly. You released a happy purr at the chaste kiss, but as I began to pull away, you held me back, pulling me in again. And I was happy to keep falling for you.

_ I had one weakness, and it was everything that encapsulated and made up this man. _

“Gonna look fecking gorgeous in white tomorrow,” I pressed the words into the skin above your ribs, working my way down as you gasped and bit back giggles. “Ya look fecking gorgeous right now, though, too.”

“God, Kevin,” you gasped as my teeth grazed your thigh in a light nip, kissing the delicate and sensitive flesh just after.

_ Don’t you dare. You’re going to make me scream…! _

“We’re often confused,” I conceded, chuckling, and enjoying your stifled laughter as well. “We both do such fine work, after all. Just in different ways.”

_ Fecking dork. Cute ass little shit. Typical  _ Kevin.

“Shut the fuck up, Kevin, or I’m calling off the wedding,” you breathed through uncontrollable giggles and fights for breath. I didn’t believe you. Three years with you had taught me that your ultimatums were meaningless at best, and a joke most often. Besides which, I knew you liked me now. Loved me, even, somehow.

_ I can’t wait to be married to this wonderful idiot. _

So what else could I do but promise to spend the rest of my life with you? 


End file.
